What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 01:03
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So, i spoilt her more .
All the time i was locked up.
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Why did i forgive my father ?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We all went to grammer schools
Do straight guys like to see cocks?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
What did i know ?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And i lived it daily.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was in good health!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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She found it foreign!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I think the readers, may guess!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Would you raise your children like your parents raised you?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I write beautiful poetry .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As i do to all so called friends.?
I couldn’t, believe it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Who then, do I blame.?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I waited trembling.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
It was going to be , some day.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My life is so biszare .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I don,t even have a pension.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Put me off passion for life!!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But, we were locked up after school.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Would this be the day?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Was to survive, this bastard.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So whats the point in blame.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
(And it was in our own minds.)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Ive learnt so much.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was scared of men, in general
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was 9 years of age.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My family never makes their pension either.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She wouldn,t have been !
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I have no regrets .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But it wasn’t much.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I said to her
Comes on , in middle age.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She loved him until the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I will be 64.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
When she asked me how she looked .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
This is soul school!.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One cannot live in the past .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She married twice! .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im still living with it.
I was seconnd youngest,
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We were not on the streets..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I could never make a relationship work though!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He knew the spot.